马男波杰克 第五季

首发于公众号“影探”

ID：ttyingtan

作者：大表姐

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从第一季开始，马男系列的评分就没掉下来9分过。

第五季更是以9.3分强势回归。

有人或许奇怪了。

就这么一匹马，丑啦吧唧，低眉搭眼的，凭什么这么招人喜欢？

别人我不知道，反正对表姐来说，马男就像一剂精神鸦片。

贼！上！瘾！

你看看它的基调。播到第五季了还是那一个字：

丧

作为一个中年过气明星，马男对抗焦虑的方式竟然是——

逃避。

找工作？why? 是酒不好喝，还是烟不好抽？

还是勾搭来的妹子不够靓呢？

40来岁，依然没有相爱的人。

So? 随便跟谁约一炮就好了。

哦，这个“随便”，是真的很随便。

前女友兼经纪人？可以。

片场合作的女主角？可以。

甚至当年电视剧里扮演自己女儿的童星？可以啊没问题。

交心的朋友？

在他家沙发上赖了6年的Todd算一个。

可马男那个态度...日常不耐烦，经常性打击，永远毒舌。

最后天使如Todd，也因为伤害彻底离开。

还有永远给他擦屁股，偶尔也上床的前女友兼经纪人Princess Caroline.

根本不爱他。

在一起，也只是因为惧怕孤独，互相取暖。

就连唯一懂他的女人Diane，

也选择嫁给了更阳光的Mr. PeanutButter。

说实话，每次表姐看着马男的生活，就像看着一个巨大的黑洞。

他唯一擅长的事，就是伤害对他好的人，就是把一切都搞砸。

这样的人，不是人渣又是什么？

可我们偏偏又那么爱这个贱人。

甚至有点...心疼他。

因为丧，并不是他的锅。

作为一次意外怀孕的结果，身为中产阶级的妈妈，不得不因为他，下嫁给了穷困的老爸。

从小，他就被当成是个累赘。

听到最多的话，不是“我爱你”，而是“都是你，毁了我的生活。”

每天看着爸妈争吵，互相指责，没有人在意他的感受。

老妈更是坦言，“你不会幸福的”。

因为你天生破碎。

试问这样一个从未被爱过的人，又该如何去爱别人？

所以除了丧，他还“毒”。

“毒”，是因为被伤到之后，就能一眼看清，哪些是真相，哪些才是谎言。

他换无数女友，孑然一人，不过是看透了恋爱的本质，无非是互相伤害。

也知道人间不值得，假装开心，自欺欺人。

虽然嘴巴一直在得罪人，但心里其实知道大家最想听的是什么。

也早就比其他人参破了人生的意义。

其实从头到尾，马男都是个底色悲凉的、孤独的清醒者。

就像《闻香识女人》中，阿尔帕西诺那番话：

I always knew what the right path was.

Without exception, I know, but I never took it, you know why?

It was too damn hard.

一直以来，马男都知道哪条是对的路。

可他也从来不走，因为太他妈的难了。

所以他一边胡作，一边愧疚，直到第三季结束，

所有人都离开了他。大厦崩塌。

第四季的开头，马男消失了一年。

他远离LA，来到母亲小时候的家里。

在那里，他了解到，原来妈妈也有一个不幸的童年——

当年她的哥哥战死，母亲患了抑郁症，父亲态度冷淡...

她也没有学会怎么去爱人。

之后回到LA的家里，有一个姑娘来找他认亲。

DNA测试后，发现是自己的“女儿”。

“女儿”要马男一起，帮她寻找生母。

就在这个过程中，他无意间发现这是一个大乌龙：

自己其实是姑娘的哥哥。

而当年，正是自己的母亲，帮着姑娘的母亲，也就是插足者，生下了孩子。

“她或许，也没有自己认为的那么刻薄吧...”

故事进行到这里，所有人都以为马男会有一个happy ending。

跟母亲和解，做个有爱的哥哥，和家人团聚。

然而第五季一开头，马男的母亲就去世了。

葬礼上，马男一如既往地开着那些刻薄的玩笑。

可这一幕，却让表姐真实地掉泪了。

致辞时，他提到母亲弥留之际，曾经对他说过最后一句话：

I SEE YOU

我看见你了

尽管装出满不在乎的样子，马男还是忍不住猜测这背后的意味：

她的意思是终于看到我了吗？

54年，妈妈我终于被你看到了。

原来你知道我要什么？我要的就是你的关注啊。

可你却在最后一刻才满足我吗？

那一刻，这个浪荡丧气的中年大叔，委屈地像个孩子。

爱就算迟到，可终究也是爱啊。

所以，马男终于被治愈了？

没有，这部剧没这么善良。

下一秒，马男说到母亲住在ICU病房时，才突然醒悟：

什么I SEE YOU，母亲只是读出了病房牌子上的ICU（同音）。

一切，都只是他的自作多情。

原来母亲直到最后一刻，都没有看过他一眼。

这才是人生啊。人生没这么善良。

只是这一刻，马男脸上的苦涩，让人不忍心再看一眼。

那是他唯一一次在人前表达在乎，那是他唯一一次流露出脆弱。

我们总是期待着有大团圆。

可生活从来不是电视剧，不会在某个幸福的高潮点戛然而止。

我们能做的，或许就像马男一样，假装微笑并信以为真，放浪形骸来掩饰孤独。

并且死不承认脆弱。

有何胜利可言？

挺住意味着一切。

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没错，大热的美剧《马男波杰克》于上周五回归了，Netflix还是豪爽的一次性放出了十二集，相信不少小伙伴把周末的时间都用在了上面。豆瓣上的评分目前停留在9.3，IMDB本季平均分8.89，高于全集平均分8.5，口碑热度都在持续上涨中。

马男系列，一直以来都以独特的‘丧’闻名海内外。出自马男波杰克的截图不知道养活了多少朋友圈鸡汤和微博段子手。在这个时代大多数的影视作品都追求爽快刺激，间或满足一下人们的英雄梦想，从前段时间大热的碟中谍到漫威十年布局的复仇者联盟，走的都是这个路数。也有一些片子幽默搞怪，吐槽辛辣，让人在轻松中逃避现实，美国动画常青树南方公园和著名美剧生活大爆炸都是此中好手。但所有这些片子来来回回都只在讲述一个主题，看久了未免审美疲劳。马男偏偏逆其道行之，讲述的故事却是生活。

马男故事的结构并不复杂，故事的主角马男波杰克是一个过气的好莱坞电视剧演员，自从二十多岁时出演了著名连续剧Horsing Around以后就再也没有能够在事业上取得巅峰。随着岁月的消逝和经纪人不断的催促打气，他终于决定停止自己的恶性循环，开始找代笔出版自己的自传。但是伴随了一个人二十多年的酗酒，拖延和消极对待，是不会那么轻易的改变。于是我们跟着马男一起，看了五年他和他身边的人在各自的性格阴影下挣扎，对抗自己身上的坏习惯。

马男故事的精髓是，每个人身上都有着或多或少的性格缺陷，这些缺陷在不同程度上影响了我们的生活。我们经常可以看到身边的人甚至是我们自己，有更好的机会在面前，却不抓住，眼睁睁看着机会溜走。更加痛苦的是，往往我们意识的到究竟是什么在阻碍着自己，但是却没有办法改变。我们也或许知道改变的办法，但是却缺乏动力的躲回了自我舒适区的小巢，闭起眼睛祈祷黑暗过去。而黑暗，不会过去。

这一季，波杰克终于（不那么）老老实实的去拍了一部会让他重新火起来的连续剧，他有了一段贯穿全季的异性关系，他终于能够反省自己和妹妹以及母亲的关系，在面对巨大压力时终于没有像悲伤的第三季一样走向完全的自我毁灭，而是成长了，虽然这改变渺小而卑微，虽然这匹54岁的老马恐怕很难改变了，但是这仍然是属于他自己的成长。

比如第五季第一集，波杰克不断的向导演抱怨自己出演的人物台词和剧情不合常理。导演认为他只是在求关注，并借助这样的方式增强自己的影响力，听起来是不是很丧。波杰克喜欢上了剧中的女主角，发现她有很多的无意义裸露镜头，便扮演白骑士向导演抗议遮掩的行为物化女性。导演气急败坏的提出那我们来物化一下男性吧，于是要求拍摄一个54岁老男人波杰克正面全裸的镜头，并给了他两个选择，要么承认自己只是在求关注，导演可以回到原来的方案，波杰克将不会面临一场公关危机；要么波杰克可以死撑下去，拍自己全裸的镜头，但是女主角得以幸免。波杰克在痛苦中选择了后者，向世界展现了他的无助。

戴安呢？她终于离了婚，自己踏上了漫长的自我恢复的道路，距离上和工作上都是。令人惊喜的是她没有在片场与花生酱先生有过多的交际，对于她的历史和她在本剧中作为波杰克镜像的标签来说，都是很惊喜的。她的成长更加明显，虽然她会被激情带走，但她显然是更加理性的自己。这一点小小的分化让她终于不再是女性版不知如何是好只知道自我毁灭的波杰克。她也终于不是任何人的附属品，甚至有一点点准备跟世界讲和的味道。

除此之外，还有波杰克的经纪人卡洛琳公主，她依然是我心中的太阳，是本作中最坚定的正能量。在上一季中她最终选择和彬彬有礼的爱人分手，准备一个人领养孩子。在不断的尝试后她终于认清了自己身上的不断燃烧的力量，而当爱人没有办法和自己一起满足自己的梦想时，她必须决定，似乎要选择完美的爱人，还是完美的自己。

当我们长大后，我们终将懂得，每一个选择背后其实并没有那么多的对与错，有的只是选择和适合。有的时候哪怕自己的选择，要割舍掉手边最美好的事物，这也是不得不做的。因为你必须屈膝才能跳得更高，必须清空手上的东西才能扛起更重的奖杯。有舍，才有得。

卡洛琳公主就是这样，回到一个人的生活后她决定完成自己做一个母亲的梦想，做一个母亲，一个爱人，一个女强人，三者兼备她做不到，于是只能割舍。工作依然不停的撕扯着她的时间，现实中的她在一天的败仗打完后露出的疲惫就是她身上的丧，但这仅仅是表象。就像她的角色动物---一只猫一样，她骨子是高傲独立绝不臣服。第五季中我们跟着她回到了出生地，看到了她在少女时代怀孕又流产后是怎么毅然决然的选择离开去追求自己的梦想。她始终正视着命运的难题却永远都没有被命运击倒，这和她所喜爱的女飞行员Amelia Earheart 一样，勇敢的飞向太阳。

而花生酱先生呢？看起来是个男版的卡洛琳公主，但是他那明媚的太阳上也有耀斑。本季用非常精彩的四条时间线交织映射的方式回顾了他四次带着女友去万圣节派对的故事，在时时热情万丈的外表下，我们看到的却是用一个用热情在逃避问题的人，一如用酒精麻醉自己的波杰克。第三季中，我们跟着花生酱先生和他的妻子戴安回到了他出生的地方，跟着戴安的视角我们理解到花生酱先生是一个始终热情四射的人，他的天性是那样的乐观，似乎什么样的苦难都无法影响他。如果我们往人物的背景故事里走，会知道他截止第四季结束一共离了三次婚，看起来他那明媚的太阳上也有耀斑。本季用非常精彩的四条时间线交织映射的方式回顾了他四次带着女友去万圣节派对的故事，每一次他都爱上一个20岁出头的姑娘，却每一次都没能把握住跟她们一起获得幸福的机会，好似在派对上跟她分别半个小时，再找到的就已经不是自己原先认识的那个人了。他的问题随着故事的发展愈演愈烈，放纵着别人用童话来麻痹自己，但其实他拥有这种理性能力，却不愿意使用。这恰恰就是他的伪装，也是他的丧。

说完了人物，便不得不提一下本季讲故事的能力。就单集而言，本季的第六集应该说是夜空中最闪亮的一颗星，在IMDB上单集评分9.9，无限接近满分。这一成就即使是神剧《瑞克和莫迪》也没有做到过，实在是惊为天人。更加伟大的是，从片头曲到片尾曲之间，整个故事都只是波杰克在母亲的葬礼上独白，4个不同的镜头角度始终对着波杰克，仅此而已。

故事一开始，是小时候的波杰克一个人在学校操场等待家人接他回家，所有小伙伴都走光了，父亲才姗姗来迟。上车后父亲就开始不断的责怪波杰克的母亲没给自己做饭，躲在浴室里哭泣就是为了取得自己的注意，全然不顾这是情绪崩溃的表现。然后父亲开始责怪由于母亲没来接波杰克，自己只能中断状态正好的写作过程，来接波杰克放学，还说这是母亲以身作则教给波杰克的道理，那就是不能依靠女人。镜头一转，来到波杰克在母亲的葬礼上发言，他讲述了早上来葬礼之前买早饭的故事，店员日常的问他今天如何，他却觉得这样的问法实在是逼着别人说好，将给出坏消息的责任转嫁给了他人，全然不顾这只是一句如同‘吃了吗’一样的打招呼。

接下来，波杰克开始讲自己和母亲的关系，说到自己从小父母不太管，自己只能从电视剧中学习如何与人沟通。电视剧中，有缺陷的角色总是用夸张的方式来表达他们对爱的理解，但是这不是社会要求我们度过每一天的方式。社会要求我们每一天都做一个完美的人，认真工作学习，和同事朋友友好相处，碰到问题不能撂挑子不干而是要用于承担……总而言之，就是一般鸡汤里所讲述的种种，但是要做到所有这些，真的很难。

由于父母关系不好，两人都将波杰克当成阻碍自己寻求美好生活的原因，于是对他异常冷漠。波杰克似乎寻找着特别是母亲的关注和认可，但是每每无法获得，甚至到了在葬礼现场他都无法想到一个母亲在一生中给他关注的例子。这种对关注的渴望，潜意识的反映在他在葬礼现场为了打破沉默的现场，就假装在跟母亲对话要求母亲回复，玩‘你不说话就当成默认’的游戏。唯一能想起的关注，只有母亲在临终前，她对波杰克说了一句，’I see you’. 于是波杰克不断的解释自己对于这句话的解释，拼命的想把这句话合理化，想证明母亲在某种程度上还是爱自己的。自己母亲对自己的关怀和善意，至少应该比早上卖早饭的女孩在知道波杰克母亲去世后给他的一根免费的西班牙油条中蕴含的善意要多。

最后，他终于反应过来，这只是由于母亲看到自己在ICU重症监护室，所以读出了’ICU’三个字而已。他也终于认识到了残酷的现实，自己终生在追求的母亲的关注，自己从来没有得到过，之后也再也不会得到了。但正是这样痛彻骨髓的认知，让他终于认识到了自己最深的懦弱，在最深的黑暗中，黑暗也会发光。这也最终促使他在本季最后，做出了与自己以往都不同的改变。

必须承认，这一季的马男波杰克给了我惊喜。很多的时候编剧为了省事，不断的给出新角色创造新事件来人为创造冲突，或者挖掘老角色背后的故事来增强人物背后的复杂度，但是这些动作都只是从不同侧面来描写静态的人物。但是第五季越看越令人觉得有趣，剧组在创作的时候有意识的让人物跟之前有些微的不同，他们不再机械式的重复自己的选择，而是成长了，进化了，而且成长的原因我们都看在眼里。这是一种绝妙的体验，仿佛看到了灵魂深处的可能。

跟着马男波杰克看了这么久，观众们也随之成长了，我们藉由这个镜子，看到了自己身上的丧，有些人已经成功脱离了不良的状态，大部分人都还在努力挣扎，但是波杰克都能够做出改变，在那样悲惨的家族命运和成长环境下，那么我们呢？是不是也应该成长呢？

五季了，波杰克的成长有目共睹，反而是他身边的人毫无成长。戴安的愤世嫉俗，花生酱的做事不经过大脑，卡洛琳公主还没明白她想要什么，陶德一整季过去了，又回到了原点。波杰克的成长其实在于“接受”和“表达”，跟第一季的他相比，这季的波杰克（就结果来说）更诚实，诚实地对待自己，诚实地对待他人。而且更重要的是，他学会了如何爱人。其实和波杰克相比，戴安的问题更突显出来——她很善良，她很擅长如何对他人好，却不知道怎么对自己好，也许是她没被教过，也许是她自愿沉溺于悲伤。在ep9她和马男吵架那里可以看出，是她想知道波杰克过去做过的龌龊事，知道了以后却又嫌弃他（因为说他很辣鸡），与其说她神经质不如说是因为她一直想站在一个道德的制高点，所以拒绝承认波杰克变好的事实，也不愿接受他垃圾的本质。波杰克一直把戴安当做交心的朋友因为他们很像，其实看到这季最后会觉得其实他们除了丧以外都不像。马男是向前进的那个，戴安不是。她太害怕做出改变了。唯一的好消息大概是花生酱没有跟戴安复合，因为他们真的不合适。

顺便提一嘴波杰克的药。有确切描写的话，应该是这季ep8（万圣节派对）开始，原因应该是戴安在剧里提出他在新墨西哥的往事，加上碧翠丝过世这件事他想找人倾诉却又不想（不敢）面对这个话题，当然可能还有点是因为他真的背痛。这样一想，戴安其实才是拖马男后腿的那个。也许下季波杰克会加油把戴安也拖出泥潭？

另外，不得不说，马男整部剧的想象力无可比拟的，尤其是如何把社会话题合理地塞进剧情这一点，怎么想都觉得不可能有更妙的做法。因为这种安排就是非常的马男。

很多人说第六集是神作，我觉得不然，11集才是。11集有点像上一季碧翠丝回忆的那集，将波杰克的精神世界和现实世界完美交织，让观众在能清楚分开哪些是波杰克在剧中的表现的同时，表达波杰克把现实和剧混合起来之后的感受。再说一嘴，波杰克和吉娜的分手其实很大程度上跟他自己没啥关系，因为可以说他当时已经处于一种精神不太正常（多半因为毒品）的情况，他是不能为自己的行为负责的，所以即使他学会了爱人，编剧仍然把他俩拆散了，所以这不是波杰克的锅，是编剧的锅。而《菲尔伯特》被停播更不是他的锅啦，只是他为了吉娜做出了牺牲却未得到回报（可能再次对他留下创伤），让人有点为他感到难过。

这季评分下降我很理解，因为本季更少关注波杰克自身的丧，转向社会的丧。像我这种想在马男这部剧里找共鸣、提醒自己有多丧的人在未经历社会的情况下社会问题有点提不起我的兴趣。再说了，波杰克已经不那么丧了。但无论如何，我都还是马男的死忠粉。

毕竟，不管怎样，马男是好起来了，社会还会好起来吗？

And it breaks my heart, again...

after my heart was so broken that I thought

it could never get any more broken.

I thought it was safe,

but it still, somehow, finds a new way to break.

Because, even though, I'am the one who asked for this,

now that I've got it, I am completely adrift

with no compass, or map, or sense of where to go, or what to do.

So I go to Nanjing.

I think I might find community, a connection to something bigger,

but... I don't.

In fact, I feel even more alone than I was before I left.

But... I survive.

I learn that I can survive being alone.

I'm really happy for you

依旧从配角说起

Todd

Todd在本季中继续沿着事业和感情两条线发展。

事业上Todd延续了躺赢的运气，原本只是去Whattimeisitrightnow.com面试看门工，结果因为履历过人直接当上广告部主管。为了解决Emily的dating boring guy和having sex不能两全的问题而发明Henry Fondle更是直接成了自己的老板。这一点本身就相当具有讽刺意味，在好莱坞“MeToo”大行其道、全美反对性骚扰的时候，这家公司居然敢冒大不韪让一个Sex Robot当首席执行官，并且把它的各种“情话”当作命令执行，并且毫不违和。

而感情上Todd则不那么顺风顺水：

在第四季末尾Todd和Yolanda的默契曾经带给人一种“他终于找到归宿”的希望，而在本季中，我们则看到Yolanda虽然可以坦然面对自己Asexual的取向，但生在一个“性爱”世家的她，依旧无法在父母、姐妹面前展示自己的本来面目。这一冲突在Todd拜访Yolanda家时达到高潮，在爆掉那一桶祖传陈酿的润滑剂后，Yolanda与家人进行了深入的交流，最终在她的描述中，家人接受了她的的取向，但同时经过这一切，Todd意识到Yolanda的理想型是一个足够聪明、事业有成、名校毕业的无性恋人，而他们两人间唯一的共同点只是Asexual取向，出于上述考虑，Todd决定和Yolanda分手，并约定当两人100岁又同时未娶未嫁时，就在一起——一个非常Todd范儿的建议。

对于Emily，简单讲Todd非常希望Emily开心，不单纯为了Sex上的满足而总是去和一些无聊的消防员肌肉男约会。如果他发明的Henry Fondle能够满足她的需求，他们俩或许能够重新在一起，成为男女朋友，但显然Emily并不能接受自己要借助机器人来满足需求，两人的关系也就卡在了这里。

最后还不得不提一下Todd和他的HenryFondle之间的羁绊，与其说这个Sex Robot喜欢被人叫爸爸，不如说Todd把自己视作这个机器人的父亲，只是眼见他日益失控，而不得已下狠心结束了他的生命。

Shh. It's okay. It's over now. It's all over.

第四季中“The most giving man the world has ever know”的评价对Todd依旧适用，本季中Todd的故事继续在关爱身边人的过程中展开，但相比上一季，他似乎付出得多了些，获得的回报又少了些…

Princess Carolyn

本季中，对Princess Carolyn的历史回溯到了她的青少年时期，用一句俗话说就是“早早扛起了支撑家庭的重担”，那时的她作为子女中唯一留在母亲身边的人，对自己母亲言听计从，对未来也缺乏明确的认识（一心想着留在家乡，照顾母亲），但积极乐观的心态早已形成，对于电影的热爱也已嵌入骨子里（总是寻找机会引用自己看过的唯一一部电影中的台词），并且从那时起就特别擅长激励他人。同时，在Ralph看来，Princess Carolyn对于孩子的态度前后发生了很大的转变，在第四季中还坚持希望自己生下一个宝宝的她，在第五季一开始就去领养中心咨询领养事宜。不过Ralph不了解的是，应该就是从他们分手后，Princess Carolyn对于领养这件事的态度就开始转变了，S4E12中Bojack问起她是否打算领养一个孩子时，她给出的回答是More and more lately，Bojack也赞同并鼓励了她：You should. You'd be a good mom. The World needs good moms. 值得一提的是，在领养中心里她还被Tracy用Manager和Agent的梗呛了一回，也是对前几季中她从agent向manager转换的呼应。

It sounds like you’re looking for an adoption manager.

This is an adoption agency. Do you not know the difference?

面对潜在的可能把孩子送给自己领养的母亲，尽管无法把工作完全放下，Princess Carolyn还是改签了机票，争取尽可能多的与对方交流的机会以求留下好印象，并因此间接造成了Bojack拍摄特技镜头时的严重受伤。这种做法多少让人联想起了《Friends》中求子心切的Monica，她们二人的轨迹也都是相似的，最初可以说是极尽所能去迎合他人，编造各种善意的谎言，最后又不得不回归自我，用自己的真诚去打动对方，她们外表虽然是一副女强人的形象，但内心也都有一块柔软之处。

此外，本季中Princess Carolyn和Ralph再次重逢，但她坚决拒绝和Ralph复合也很让人惋惜。我还是希望重复这一观点，在本剧中Ralph真的是个特别gentle，特别nice的角色，不论是人物形象、配音、表现上都堪称完美，绝对是一个理想的另一半人选。同时Ralph也一直保持着对Princess Carolyn不变的感情，但Princess Carolyn自己已经基本彻底从这段感情中走了出来，如她所言：

I changed! I have plans now, and you’re not in them.

I never needed to(do this by myself). I want to. I’m not afraid of how hart it gonna be. I already love this baby. And that gives me so much power. I don’t need anything else.

因此，尽管可惜，我们也只能祝两人好运。

工作上Princess Carolyn 依旧是挖掘过气演员的一把好手（尽管最后没成）。在处理协调解决问题方面也是独当一面，能够几句话就让对立30年的两个做冰棍的伙伴重归于好；也能很快打开Bojack 的心结，让他把自己和角色分离开来，并以更为积极的态度去处理工作。

在本季的结尾，Princess Carolyn终于领养到了宝宝，但这同样也给她未来的生活留下了巨大的悬念——她对于有宝宝以后的生活到底是如何计划的？成为母亲的Princess Carolyn能否为宝宝找到一位称职的父亲，又将如何平衡家庭与事业呢？

纵观本剧的主要角色，个人认为Princess Carolyn在本季收获最多，因此也乐于期待她在未来的剧情发展里走得更加顺利。

-What are you gonna call her? -Untitled Princess Carolyn Project.

Mr.Peanutbutter

本季中Mr.Peanutbutter的最大收获应当说有两点：一是认识到了自己的感情模式；二是在Diane之后遇到了新欢Pickles。

感情模式的认知来源于Diane，Diane对于这一问题的认识要比他的前妻Jessica Biel的立体图（Magic eye poster）理论深刻了不少，她意识到Mr.Peanutbutter的乐天性格是家族遗传，与生俱来，并且并不随着他年龄的增长而消退，而他的妻子们却随着年龄的增长日渐成熟，从对他的乐天性格全盘接受逐渐演变成无法忍受，最终也只能分道扬镳，但这只是他们观念态度上的不一致，谁都没有主动伤害对方。正如Diane所言，他陪伴前妻们度过了最美好的10年时光，但再之后也确实无法继续和他们走下去了。

Mr.Peanutbutter的乐天性格所带来的坦诚是他的把妹利器，无论何时，他都会选择把内心所想所感毫无保留地展示给对方，一旦遇到让自己心动的人，就无法停下追随的脚步，正如他在脱口而出对Diane仍有好感、却伤害了Pickles时的解释——尽管自己处在一个最坏的时刻，但依旧无法隐藏自己对someone special的心动，也正是如此，他希望对方了解自己的一切，不论好与坏，尽管在它看来，很多感情最终都会走向虚无，让双方受尽折磨，但他更愿意享受当下，并努力让当下尽可能长久。

谈到Pickles，相比Mr.Peanutbutter的前几任妻子，她性格上更加活泼乐天，心理年龄也显得更为年轻，但这同样也导致她对于感情的敏感，她既可以因为一点点惊喜变得感动万分，也可以因为一点点不如意而悲痛欲绝。因而在这份感情中，Mr.Peanutbutter很可能需要更加谨慎小心。当他被Diane点破过去三段婚姻的真相时，似乎多少有一点希望自己成熟的意愿，因而在Pickles表示自己希望永远不长大时也表现出了些许不自然。

除此之外，Mr.Peanutbutter还有几点值得留意：

一是他乐观向上的性格特点被进一步坐实，在E4中Mr.Peanutbutter曾试图转变自己的形象，希望自己变得更为强硬，但每一次结果都是加深了人们对他可爱、可亲、善良形象的好感。最终被Princess Carolyn坐实为——人见人爱，积极到甚至有些烦人，热情向上，没有任何历史遗留问题。

（个人认为他有种《Friends》中的Joey与Ross结合体的感觉，平时傻得可爱的状态如同Joey，而突然意识到送到农场的父母其实是去世了则神似Ross）

其次，Mr.Peanutbutter对Diane还是有些不一样的情感，Katrina和Jessica在和他分手后，每次见面多少都有些剑拔弩张，完全无法坐下来说话，而对Diane他似乎一方面有一定的愧疚感存在，另一方面还保留着一份情谊（这一点直到他在无意识间脱口而出才被他自己真正意识到），但二人的感情似乎也真的是走向终点了，即便可以have sex（第二次还是在呼应第四季中两人只有争吵状况下才能完全释放的设定）。

其次在本季中，Mr.Peanutbutter和Diane各自指出了他身上的问题：听不进别人的话和无法说出坏消息。听不进别人的话让他屡次忽视前妻们的诉求，并最终分道扬镳，同时也让自己的乐天不时变得惹人厌；无法说出坏消息则一定程度上会让他把矛盾逐步累积，直到对方发现时爆发。

本季末尾他选择向Pickles求婚而不是说出真相，无疑给未来的自己埋了一个大号的定时炸弹，他即将开始的第四段婚姻能否顺利启航，又会遇到哪些波折就有待之后揭晓了。

Diane

Diane新一季中发型好评。相比之前的长发披肩，新发型更多了几分坚韧与果敢。

尽管在上一季结尾她表示无法继续和Mr.Peanutbutter在一起生活，并决定离婚，但当看到Mr.Peanutbutter和新欢Pickles在一起时，仍然忍不住逃离现场，放声哭泣。她自以为可以通过一次越南的寻根之旅放松身心、找回自我，并由此编出了10条所谓应当去越南的理由，结果证明这些设想统统没能实现，也统统只是麻痹自己的谎言。在她想以越南人自居时对方视她为异类，而当她重新拾起美国人的身份时，又反而被人认定为越南人。当旅行结束她坐在返程飞机上时，她方才意识到，经过一场旅行并不能够让一个人想清楚自己未来的生活会变成怎样，但那并不是一件坏事，因为这意味着一切皆有可能。同时这场旅行也让Diane意识到自己在经历多重情感上的打击后，即便孤身一人，依然是可以“幸存”的。

You learn you can survive being alone.

也因此在E02的结尾，她终于可以坦然地向Mr.Peanutbutter祝贺。

在Bojack的极力说服下，Diane进入剧组工作，尽管最初除了获得一句“You really make a difference”的评价，再无任何贡献，但这并不妨碍她日后成为“救火英雄”。对于Bojack，Diane认为他们俩之间无话不谈，Bojack几乎把关于自己的所有一切都告诉了她，他们也互相见证过对方最糟糕的时刻，或许这也是她无法接受Bojack没有主动告诉她在新墨西哥发生了什么（尽管她听到了录音，但基于录音的猜想也并非真相，她还是希望Bojack能够坦然相告）。

经历了心理诊所里的冲突后，Bojack认为自己与Diane是朋友，是同类人，Diane则极力否认这一观点。在我看来，两人的状态确实有相像之处，但不同的是，Bojack曾经辉煌，之后跌落谷底，Diane自出生至今，一直处于底层，不为人所知，不被人认可，也不被人看好。在对待现状的态度上，Diane一直是主动希望摆脱这种困境的人，Bojack相比之下则更愿意接受现状，沉浸其中，只有在别人推动下才会愿意做出一点改变，并且更多是为了他人而非自己，这或许也就是Diane不愿意承认他们是同类人的原因。不过不可忽视的是，2009年的万圣节Party上，尽管Bojack给初次见面的Diane留下了非常难堪的印象， 但他也确实是当晚唯一一个准确说出她的装扮的人。

-Baby Bjorn Borg. -Oh, my God. Yes!

在《Philbert》的首映礼上，Bojack认为《Philbert》传达的思想是

We are all terrible, and therefore, we are all OK.

而这与Diane同意进入剧组并致力于做出的改变背道而驰，她希望把Philbert改造成一个更加正面的形象，从而让观众感同身受，进而受到影响去向善，而不单纯是Bojack所言把自己的恶行合理化并认为理所应当，对此两人也发生了激烈的争吵，最后不欢而散。

而到头来，反而是Stefani解开了Diane的心结，她认为Diane用了过高的标准去要求包括自己在内的所有人，这对个人生活和自我认知没有好处，因为世界已经足够苛刻，但至少我们可以想办法原谅彼此和自己。由此Diane转变了观点——世界上并没有好人和坏人之分，人们只是有时做好事，有时做坏事，我们能做的就是少做坏事多做好事，但一个人永远无法成为好人，因为他从来也不是坏人。Bojack必须为自己担负起责任，或许就从不嗑药开始。

在本季结尾，Diane用自己中学时期唯一的朋友Abby的经历来解释为何没有放弃Bojack，对于Abby，她说I love her，对bojack则是you need me。在过去的几季中，Diane和Bojack的关系总是处在一种不甚明朗的状态，他们互相是最了解对方、见过对方最不堪一面的人，却又总是无法建立稳定、持久的联系，尽管每一次争吵他们都可能对对方说出了最难听的话，但事后又往往互相遗忘，并重归于好。最后，Bojack尝试戒毒，Diane也似乎完全从与Mr.Peanutbutter离婚的阴影中走出，两人都拥有了全新的开始，但愿他们能有一个更好的结果吧。

Gina

Bojack和Gina在我看来真的不怎么来电，两人在一起也更多是一种逢场作戏的感觉。Gina似乎也认同这一观点，因而在《Philbert》即将杀青时，她主动建议结束两人的关系，在这种情况下Bojack也接受了两人不搭的结论，但事实上他又确实是对Gina非常上心，以至于对她的日常行程、周遭朋友都了如指掌。

E3中，面对Gina的音乐剧梦想，Bojack从开始极力嘲讽，到后面费尽心机争取试镜机会的行为，在我看来无异于走钢丝，Gina完全能够以“我的梦想不需要你来掺和”的名义爆发并拒他于千里之外，但最终她还是选择感谢Bojack，这种选择相信也是她在权衡利弊后的妥协。因为总体而言，Gina是一个为了自己的演艺事业奋斗的人，为此她可以不计较剧本优劣、导演的无理要求，甚至在片场发生险些致命的意外时，她也可以淡定地在镜头下谈笑风生，只求自己的演艺生涯不中断，自己后半辈子不会时刻与Bojack绑定。因此，她与Bojack怕也注定不会是一路人。

I do one of these shows every year. And I keep getting hired because I show up, do the work and keep my head down.

Hollyhock

本季中Bojack和Hollyhock的关系已经变得十分自然，能够像一对兄妹互相开开玩笑聊聊天，不过这一季并没有对Hollyhock的母亲做过多说明。对于Bojack来说，Hollyhock通常是一个远在天边的可以倾诉的对象，他在努力做好一个哥哥的同时也希望从Hollyhock那里获得些许安慰，并且享受与她同处的时光。当Hollyhock意外把他的药倒入下水道，他和Hollyhock一道走遍全城去找药，这个过程一如第四季中两人共同寻找Hollyhock的生母。在这之中Hollyhock意识到Bojack似乎并不是因为背痛才找药，并且整个人状态也有些过于兴奋，在分别时特意提醒他药该吃且是正规大夫开出的时再吃，可显然这在当时并不能阻止Bojack嗑药的诉求，他甚至在送走Hollyhock后选择引发车祸来换取更多的药。

Okay. I love you.

Flip

对于Flip，当他带着《Philbert》这部剧在第四季中出现时，就给人一种不安的感觉，因为Princess Carolyn完全是因为名字而选择了这部剧，而没有关注其内容。这种不安在最初几集中被他的情绪化行为、缺乏条理的情节设定进一步放大，直到Diane出来救火。

本季剧情虽然围绕《Philbert》的拍摄展开，但说实话对Flip的着墨并不多，因而他的形象在我看来也难称得上立体。Flip自认很有才华但缺少他人赏识（实际上并没有多少才华），又渴望获得自己母亲的认可（总是在各种场合提起自己的母亲，担心母亲对自己感到失望）。特别是在E7中，海豚化的他陷入了深深的绝望，对于剧情的发展和人物塑造失去了所有的想象力，用他自己的话说：

Everyone thinks I’m a brilliant genius, but I have no idea what I’m doing.

在Princess Carolyn眼中，Flip只是有点缺乏安全感，又过度自卑。在E12中，他从包里拿出Princess Carolyn的口红涂满嘴唇，假装自己就是Princess Carolyn，并模仿她的口音说出”Oh, fish!”似乎又预示着他有点精神不正常？

最后来说说本剧的主角，

Bojack

Bojack的棱角在这一季中进一步被抹平，他自己能够为所欲为的机会越来越少，变得更容易被说服，也更容易去妥协。而在这其中，他往往并不是为了自己去妥协，而是希望能够做一些对他人好、对他人有帮助的事情。

E4中在面对剧本的“女权主义”风波时，Bojack最后真真切切地听进了Diane的想法，并努力说她成为编剧的一员，希望通过Diane的努力转变原有剧本中女性的不公正地位，让这部剧成为他们都为之骄傲的作品。在Diane表示自己过去所作的一切没有改变任何事情时，他脱口而出

No? You changed me.

相信在那一刻，Diane是感到欣慰的。

同时在本季中，Bojack不得不和自己“作对”多年的母亲告别。在母亲Beatrice的葬礼上，Bojack最初表示自己在母亲去世中似乎得到的只有一块免费的油炸饼。他一直在等待自己的母亲肯定自己，或者做出某种伟大的举动表明她的母爱，亦或者告诉自己他的出现改变了她的一生，而不是一味地苛责，甚至连一个陌生的售货员所带来的关怀都不如。在致辞中Bojack对母亲的临终遗言I see you进行了多番思索，甚至抱有幻想这是母亲在临终时刻终于意识到自己的一生中对儿子过分严厉，在最后一刻想要表达些许的母爱，但一切都只是他的幻想，他最终意识到母亲之所以会说I see you只是因为他们在重症监护室（Intensive care unit）。

My mother is dead, everything is worse now.

最初Bojack觉得这句话应当被自己说出只是因为适合在葬礼上来说，并且坚信自己肯定不会满足母亲的心愿说出这句话，然而到最后，他却真切感受到了这一事实——自己失去了母亲，尽管母亲几乎未曾展现出善良的一面，他还是再也无法期望自己的母亲有朝一日可以对自己说“Bojack, I see you.”，他的生活也切切实实变得更加糟糕了。也可以说是对Bojack和自己母亲之间50多年不自然的对立关系划上了句号。

经历了《Philbert》大获成功和片场事故的大起大落后，Bojack又一次回到了原点，在Diane给出的两条路——继续用自己的方法解决问题 或者 去戒疗中心，看看他们有怎样的办法——中他选择了后者，并且相比之前，他似乎变得更加无助，甚至于连自己最擅长的调侃式自我介绍都需要Diane帮助复习了。虽然无法预知他在这里能够获得怎样的“恢复”，终究希望他能真正重拾自我，重获新生。

Bojack Horseman S5E12 片尾曲 Under The Pressure

旧文：第4季 主要人物点评

So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one.

Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”

But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, “Well, today I’m actually allowed to feel shitty.” Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, “Well, my mom died,” and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there’s a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she’s bawling, and she’s saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I’m like, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I mean, it’s not fine but, you know, it’s… fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I’ve kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? [inhales] And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I’m leaving, I think, “I just got a free churro because my mom died.” No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.

[people murmuring]

[clears throat]

Anyway, I’m sorry, that’s not part of the… [clears throat] All right. Okay, here we go. Let’s do this. Here I am, BoJack Horseman, doing a eulogy, let’s go. Hey, piano man, can I get a, like an organ flourish? [organ plays] Nicely done. You know, I was a little worried I wouldn’t have the right accompaniment today. I guess it’s a good thing my mom was an organ donor! [rimshot plays] What happened to the organ? [horn ‘oogahs’] Okay, why just leave the comedy to the professionals? Okay? This is a funeral, sir, for my mother. Can you show a little respect? [trumpet whines] I’ll take it.

Beatrice Horseman, who was she? What was her deal? Well, she was a horse. Uh, she was born in 1938. She died in 2018. One time, she went to a parade, and one time, she smoked an entire cigarette in one long inhale. I watched her do it. Truly a remarkable woman.

[rustling]

Lived a full life, that lady. Just, all the way to the end, which is, uh, now I guess. Really makes you think, though, huh? Life, right? Goes by, stuff happens. Then you die. Okay, well that’s my time, you’ve been great! Tip your waitress! No, I’m just kidding around, there’s no waitress. But seriously, that’s all I have to say about my mother. No point beating a dead horse, right? So…

[inhales] Now what? I don’t know. Mom, you got any ideas? Anything? Mom? No? Nothing to contribute? Knock once if you’re proud of me.

Can I just say how amazing it is to be in a room with my mother, and I can just talk and talk without her telling me to shut up and make her a drink? Hey, Mom, knock once if you think I should shut up. No? You sure? I mean, I don’t want to embarrass you by making this eulogy into a me-logy, so, seriously, if you wanted me to sit down and let someone else talk, just knock. I will not be offended. No? Your funeral.

Sorry about the closed casket, by the way. She wanted an open casket, but uh, you know, she’s dead now, so who cares what she wanted? No, that sounds bad. I’m sorry. I-I think that if she could’ve seen what she looked like dead, she’d agree it’s better this way. She looked like this.

[groaning]

[mourners gasping]

Kinda like a pissed-off toy dinosaur. The coroner couldn’t get her eyes closed, so now her face is forever frozen in a mask of tremendous horror and anguish. Or as my mom called it, Tuesday! Tuesday! My mom called it Tuesday.

[woman coughs]

Hey, Mom, what did you think of that joke? You like that? You never did care for my comedy.

[clears throat]

Here’s a story. When I was a teenager, I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh, cool jacket that I wanted to wear because I thought it would make me look like Albert Brooks. For months, I saved up for this jacket. But when I finally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone. They had just sold it to someone else. So, I went home and I told my mother, and she said, “Let that be a lesson. That’s the good that comes from wanting things.” She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault.

But then, on the day of the talent show, my mother had a surprise for me. She had bought me the jacket. Even though she didn’t know how to say it, I know this meant that she loved me.

Now that’s a good story about my mother. It’s not true, but it’s a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw when I was a kid, where she talks about her father. I remember when I saw it, thinking, “That’s the kind of story I want to tell about my parents when they die.” But I don’t have any stories like that. All I know about being good, I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that’s what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn’t enough. You need to be consistent, you need to be dependably good. You can’t just screw everything up and then take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas. You need to do it every day, which is so… hard.

When you’re a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough, that even though your parents aren’t what you need them to be over and over and over again, at any moment, they might surprise you with something… wonderful. I kept waiting for that, the proof that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down, she loved me and cared about me and wanted me to know that I made her life a little bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting.

Hey, Mom, knock once if you love me and care about me and want me to know I made your life a little bit brighter.

[owl chirping]

My mother did not go gentle into that good night. She went clawing and fighting and thrashing, hence the face.

[groaning]

[mourners gasping]

If you’d seen her, I swear to God the only thing you’d be thinking about right now is that I am nailing this impression.

[woman clears her throat]

[chairs squeak]

I was in the hospital with her those last moments, and they were truly horrifying, full of nonsencial screams and cries, but there was this moment, this one instant of strange calm, where she looked in my direction and said, “I see you.” That’s the last thing she said to me. “I see you.” Not a statement of judgment or disappointment, just acceptance and the simple recognition of another person in a room. “Hello there. You are a person. And I see you.”

Let me tell you, it’s a weird thing to feel at 54 years old, that for the first time in your life your mother sees you. It’s an odd realization that that’s the thing you’ve been missing, the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen. And it doesn’t feel like a relief, to finally be seen. It feels mean, like, “Oh, it turns out that you knew what I wanted, and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me.” I was prepared for more cruelty. I was sure that she would get in one final zinger about how I let her down, and about how I was fat and stupid and too tall to be an effective Lindy-hopper. How I was needy and a burden and an embarrassment—all that I was ready for. I was not ready for “I see you.” Only my mother would be lousy enough to swipe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I’m giving her too much credit. Maybe it wasn’t about connection. Maybe it was a… maybe it was an “I see you,” like, uh, “I see you.” Like, “You might have the rest of the world fooled, but I know exactly who you are.” That’s more my mom’s speed.

Or maybe she just literally meant “I see you. You are an object that has entered my field of vision.” She was pretty out of it at the end, so maybe it’s dumb to try to attribute it to anything.

[woman sighs]

Back in the 90s, I was in a very famous TV show called Horsin’ Around.

[man coughs]

Please hold your applause. And I remember one time, a fan asked me, “Hey, um, you know that episode where the horse has to give Ethan a pep talk after Ethan finds out his crush only asked him to the dance because her friends were having a dorkiest date contest? In all the shots of the horse, you can see a paper coffee cup on the kitchen counter, but in the shots of Ethan, the coffee cup’s missing. Was that because the show was making a statement about the fluctuant subjectivity of memory and how even two people can experience the same moment in entirely different ways?” And I didn’t have the heart to be, like, “No, man, some crew guy just left their coffee cup in the shot.” So instead, I was, like… “Yeah.”

And maybe this is like that coffee cup. Maybe we’re dumb to try to pin significance onto every little thing. Maybe when someone says, “I see you,” it just means, “I see you.” Then again, it’s possible she wasn’t even talking to me because, if I’m being honest, she wasn’t really looking at me. She was looking just past me. There was nobody else in the room, so I want to think she was talking to me, but, honestly, she was so far gone at that point, who knows what she was seeing? Who were you talking to, Mom? [sighs] Not saying, huh? Staying mum? No rimshot there? God, whatever I’m paying you, it’s too much.

Maybe she saw my dad. My dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, “Wait, did you say he died in a duel?” and “Who dies in a duel?” The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn’t get any stores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn’t understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn’t like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He’d even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was as batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed: ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he’d actually read the book and what he thought, but, not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.

[murmur]

I wish I’d known to go to Jack in the Box then. Maybe I could have gotten a free churro. It would’ve been nice to have something to show for being the son of Butterscotch Horseman. My darling mother gave the eulogy. My entire life I never heard her say a kind word to or about my father, but at his funeral she said, “My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.”

“My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.” I don’t know why she said that. Maybe she felt like that’s the kind of thing you’re supposed to say at a funeral. Maybe she hoped one day someone would say that about her. “My mother is dead, and everything is worse now.” Or maybe she knew that he had frittered away all her inheritance, and replaced it with crippling debt, which is a pretty shitty thing to leave your widow with. “Bad news, you lost a husband, but don’t worry, you also lost the house!” Maybe Mom knew she’d have to sell all her fancy jewelry and move into a home. Maybe that’s what she meant by “everything is worse now.” Is that what you meant, Mom?

I gotta say, I’m really carrying this double act. At least with Penn and Teller, the quiet one does card tricks. Hey, piano man, when I say something funny to my mom, how about you give me one of those rimshots?

[rimshot plays]

Yeah, but not now. When I say something funny. Like, okay. What’s the difference between my mother and a disruptive expulsion of germs? One’s a coughin’ fit and the other fits a coffin! That’s an example of a funny thing.

[rimshot plays]

Thank you. Let’s try again. Hey, Mom. What’s the difference between my mother and a bunch of Easter eggs? One gets carried in a basket, the other gets buried in a casket!

[rimshot plays]

Ready for one more? Last one. What’s the difference between a first-year lit major and my mother, Beatrice Horseman? One is decently read, and the other’s a huge bitch!

[woman gasps]

[murmurs]

Yeah, might have gone a little too far with that one. That one might’ve been a little too “my mom’s a huge bitch” for the room. I’m sorry, Mother. You’re not a huge bitch. You were a huge bitch… and now you’re dead.

[woman sighs]

You know, the first time I ever performed in front of an audience, it actually was, uh, with my mom. She used to put on these shows with her supper club in the living room and she used to make… [inhales] She used to make me sing “The Lollipop Song.”

[organ playing tune]

Those parties, they were really something. There were skits and magic acts, and ethnically insensitive vaudeville routines, and the big finale was always a dance my mother did. She had this beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties, and she did this incredible number. It was so beautiful and sad. Dad hated the parties. He’d lock himself in the study, and bang on the walls for us to keep it down, but he always came out to see Mom dance. He’d linger in the doorway, scotch in hand, and watch in awe, as this cynical, despicable woman he married… took flight. And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace, it meant something. We understood each other in a way. Me and my mom and my dad, as screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other. My mother, she knew what it’s like to feel your entire life like you’re drowning, with the exception of these moments, these very rare, brief instances, in which you suddenly remember… you can swim.

[flashback]

[partygoers laughing]

[classical music playing]

But then again, mostly not. Mostly you’re drowning. She understood that, too. And she recognized that I understood it. And Dad. All three of us were drowning, and we didn’t know how to save each other, but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together. And I would like to think that that’s what she meant when we were in the hospital and she said, “I see you.”

You know, the weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you’re next. I mean, you know, obviously it’s not like there’s a waitlist for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty.

I actually had a near-death experience recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I’m an actor, I do my own stunts. I’m on this new show Philbert. I’m Philbert. Star of the show. It hasn’t come out yet, but it’s already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buzz… [inhales] I’m supposed to take two of these every morning, but my days are so screwed up ‘cause of the shooting schedule, I don’t even know what morning means anymore. There’s a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who’s been to so many funerals, he doesn’t even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves. [gulps]

Anyway, you know what I thought, when I was falling off the building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died? “Won’t they be sorry.” Cool thought, brain.

[rimshot plays]

No, that wasn’t… would you just… dial it back, all right?

I don’t even know what “they” I wanted to be sorry. My mom, even before she died, could barely remember who I was. And of course, my dad’s dead. The last conversation I ever had with him was about his novel. He was so certain this book was his legacy. Maybe he thought it would vindicate him for all the shitty things he ever did in his stupid worthless life. Maybe it did, I don’t know. I never read it, because why would I give him that?

I used to be on this TV show called Horsin’ Around. Seriously, though, hold your applause.

[man coughs]

Well held. It was written by my friend Herb Kazzaz, who’s also dead now, and it starred this little girl named Sarah Lynn. And it was about these orphans. And early on, the network had a note, “Maybe don’t mention they’re orphans so much, because audiences tend to find orphans sad and not relatable.” But I never thought that the orphans were sad. I-I always thought they were lucky, because they could imagine their parents to be anything they wanted. They had something to long for.

Anyway, we did this one season finale, where Olivia’s birth mother comes to town. And she was a junkie, but she’s gotten herself cleaned up, and she wants to be in Olivia’s life again. And of course, she’s like a perfect grown-up version of Olivia, and they go to the mall together and get her ears pierced like she’s always wanted and—sorry, spoiler alert for the season six finale of Horsin’ Around, if you’re still working your way through it. Anyway, the horse tries to warn her, “Be careful, moms have a way of letting you down.” But Olivia just thinks the horse is jealous, and when the mom says she’s moving to California, Olivia decides to go with her. And the network really juiced the cliffhanger: “Is Olivia gone for good?” But of course, because it’s a TV show, she was not gone for good. Of course, because it’s a TV show, Olivia’s mother had a relapse and had to go back to rehab, so Olivia had to hitchhike all the way home, getting rides from Mr. T, Alf, and the cast of Stomp. Of course, that’s what happened. Because, what are you gonna do, just not have Olivia on the show? You can’t have happy endings in sitcoms, not really, because, if everyone’s happy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show… has to keep going. There’s always more show. And you can call Horsin’ Around dumb, or bad, or unrealistic, but there is nothing more realistic than that. You never get a happy ending, ‘cause there’s always more show.

I guess until there isn’t.

[chuckles]

My mom would hate it if she knew that I spent so much time at her funeral talking about my old TV show. Or maybe she’d think it was funny that her idiot son couldn’t even do this right. Who knows? She left no instructions for what she wanted me to say. All I know is she wanted an open casket, and her idiot son couldn’t even do that right. I’m not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever understood how to please that woman, even though so much of my life has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out. But I keep going back to that moment in the ICU when she looked at me, and… “I-C-U.”

“I… see… you.” Jesus Christ, we were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign. My mom died and all I got was this free churro.

You know the shittiest thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamn life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Jack in the Box didn’t even know me. I’m your son! All I had was you! [inhales]

I have this friend. And right around when I first met her, her dad died, and I actually went with her to the funeral. And months later, she told me that she didn’t understand why she was still upset, because she never even liked her father. It made sense to me, because I went through the same thing when my dad died. And I’m going through the same thing now. You know what it’s like? It’s like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just—it couldn’t put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that’s what losing a parent is like. It’s like Becker.

Suddenly, you realize you’ll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you’d never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn’t even realize it until that chance went away.

My mother is dead, and everything is worse now, because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, “BoJack Horseman, I see you.” But I guess it’s good to know. It’s good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it’s good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now and it’s good. It’s good that I know that. So… it’s good my mother is dead.

[gulps, sighs]

Well. No point beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I have no idea… what she wanted. Unless she just wanted what we all want… to be seen.

Is this Funeral Parlor B?

—— from Reddit